Dear Sassy

It’s 6am and I’m downstairs, on the couch with a cup of coffee β€” just like every morning. Some quiet and calm before the day starts. But you’re not here. You’re not on my lap, or sitting next to me. It doesn’t feel right. This was our time. Our morning ritual every day.

I miss you.

Everywhere I look in this house I see you: jumping on the washing machine or the counter, looking into the empty fish tank wistfully, lying on the stairs to greet us when we got home from work, cuddling with me in the same position every night in bed, sitting between my keyboard and the computer screen like the queen that you were, soaking up the winter sun on the floor (or the toilet seat!).

I miss your meows.

Remember when I used to sing when I worked from home? You’d meowΒ like crazy every time. I still don’t know if you were singing along with me, or begging me to stop.

We called you our “little lion” because you were the queen of this castle in every sense. Whatever you wanted, you got β€” even if that meant lying awkwardly on some body part or wanting to play, even though you had the sharpest claws I’ve ever seen!

When you came to live with us, you were eight years old. You were always a sensitive soul; quiet and serious most of the time, which is why I felt such a strong bond to you. But… little did we know, that “monkey”, Jinx, would bring out this crazy, unpredictable child-like spirit in you. She really kept you on your toes all those years and it was the most magical thing seeing the two of you acting like loving sisters.

sassyandjinx

Our babies.

In all those 10 years, I think I can only remember twice I wanted to give you the hiding of your life (and I don’t think we ever did) β€” cats will be cats, and birds you did love. But you never brought in mice or any other four-legged present. THANK YOU!!!!

The highlight of my week was often just spending a cozy night with our little family, watching some ridiculous reality show, or the latest series. That to me was heaven.

I wonder what you’d say to me if you could have talked. There was always so much going on behind those blue eyes of yours; I wonder what you were thinking.

Sitting here, with the promise of rain outside, I feel lost. My heart breaks because I know this is the exact moment you’d seek out my lap for warmth. It sounds so dumb, but I often just think you’re sitting with me in spirit. It helps.

I’ll always treasure those last few weeks we had together.

The rollercoaster of emotions, that gave us extra time with you. Those last few days where you showed such strength, making the effort to individually sit with each of us to say goodbye (when you’d distanced yourself the two weeks before). I’ll never forget you climbing onto my lap, putting your face right in front of mine, and gazing into my eyes. That was you saying it was okay. You were ready to go. We listened, but it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.

sassandus

Saying goodbye to a part of me. Saying goodbye to my friend. Saying goodbye to my child.

You taught me so much about life. You taught me that just being and doing nothing is everything. You taught me that just because there wasn’t a human baby in the picture, didn’t mean that there wasn’t a complete family under one roof. There was. All this time, there was a Chisnall family.

You were never just a pet. You were a part of us and it’s going to take a very long time to not feel like someone’s reached into my body and ripped out a piece of my heart. The only two things keeping me going some days is believing that I’ll see you again and that you’ll visit me in my dreams.

I know you’re soaking up the sun somewhere happy and that you’re at peace.

I want to do something to remember you by, I just don’t know what yet.

I love you forever, special girl.

Sassy. Sassinator. Sassilina. Toffee. Little lion. Rowy. Hassy. Blue-eyed girl. Queen Sass.
xxx

Sassyhand

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6 Comment

  1. Sniff, sniff. I love this tribute. It will always be here, waiting for you to visit when you want to revisit how special she was. Those unique and cute nicknames we give them.
    What a sweet kitty. What a wonderful family. And you helped change my perspective a little, too: I’ve always thought of my pets as my furbabies, but…thinking of us as the whole Calhoun family. I love that. I love that we have animals as kids. They so need our love and they never judge. They just want that companionship and they will give you everything they have. I’m tearing up a little as I write this…we’ve had a few furbabies pass on over the years and each time it is like losing a family member. Sending you hugs, sweet friend! xo

    1. Melanie Chisnall says: Reply

      It really is like losing a family member, hey? They weave their way into our lives and our hearts, so quietly, so innocently and there they stay – forever. You’re right… they never judge. They’re always there. When we’re sad, they know it and they come and comfort. When you’re happy, they’re happy. They’re just around all the time, so it makes sense that we grieve so much when our pets, fur babies, family members pass on over the rainbow. I’m sorry to hear about your furbabies too; I know they’re just as spoilt and as part of your family as ours are here. Thanks friend for your words, it means a lot! πŸ™‚ xxx

  2. I’m glad you wrote this, my dear. The pain is real, and the need to express that pain is equally real. Losing pets is tough…very tough. We put one of our dogs down six months ago and it was a day of tears for our family, after seventeen years of friendship. So I know, and I’m sending hugs across the oceans.

    1. Melanie Chisnall says: Reply

      Thanks for your kind words, my friend… it means a lot. I don’t think anyone ever knows pain like this until it happens… it’s excruciating. Writing this post really helped. I’m so sorry to hear about your furry friend, Bill – 17 years for a dog is a LONG time, you were truly blessed. We are so blessed to have these beautiful souls come into our lives and change them for the better. πŸ™‚

  3. Aw, beautiful tribute to Sassy and truly so sorry for the loss of your beautiful cat family member. Hugs to you and thinking of you today, my friend <3
    Janine Huldie recently posted…How to Make Easy Whipped Shortbread Cookies For ChristmasMy Profile

    1. Melanie Chisnall says: Reply

      That’s so sweet of you, thanks Janine! I really appreciate you stopping by and leaving your kind words, it means a lot. Hope you’re having a wonderful holiday season! πŸ™‚ xx

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